Pride and Joy

Not all that long ago, before we had Emery, I dodged haphazardly when someone asked if I was going to have children because I felt I couldn't honestly offer a straightforward answer. Did I want kids? Unresoundingly, yes. When and how many? I hadn't the slightest.

After two plus years of trying everything from drinking tea that looked like dirt and tasted worse to emptying our savings with attempts at reproductive medicine, after wearing our marriage so thin I shudder to think of what might have happened had it continued on that way, after realizing that it wasn't really in my control after all, I honestly had moments I doubted I would ever be a mother. I ached with wounded pride and sorrow dug a deep hole in my heart where I knew joy should be.

Somehow, we found reprieve.  There was a break in the clouds, and she sun reached out to shine on our shoulders as we discovered after all that heartache, we could get pregnant anyhow. It's still there--the warm sunshine. Even so, who needs the sun to brighten their skies when they've got incredible pride and brimming joy?

My Pride:

My Joy:

I know I was dealt the easy card out of the trenches. I know so many others that have had a more difficult run. Still, infertility shaped me. It never defined me, but it formed part of my perspective as a mother. There isn't a day I don't look at my girls and realize how many things aligned perfectly for their creation, how much of a miracle they are, and how incredibly lucky I am to have them. Perhaps infertility is the reason I write so much about them as well as celebrate them and my chance at motherhood through my blog.

Thankfully, infertilty is behind me now. Years behind me. Two healthy children is a family full enough for us, and save a surprise, our family is complete. We're moving forward and imagining growing up our family instead of just growing it.

So with that, I have a new chapter to write. One that shall be written here, and it will begin as I stand ever so gratefully in the light. I know it will be more beautiful, more challenging, more complicated,  and more full to the very brim than my words could ever justify, but I'm going to try to write it anyhow.

I don't know what provoked me to be so brazen as to share this journey with the internet and write my daughters love letters that anyone could read, but I suppose writing to an audience, even if it is only so big as one person, keeps me honest. Best of all, I find so much support in the blogging community. As a mother, I'll take support where I can get it. I've been noncommittal about doing baby books for my girls, but they deserve a tribute. I hope someday, if they read my words, they will find their tribute here.

Most especially, I hope they might read of their beginning and know without a doubt that they will forever be my greatest pride and deepest joy.

Thank you for visiting.  Welcome to my new home.